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Finding Peace in the Midst of Tragedy and Pain The morning of September 11, 2001, felt like a typical day from the onset. The bright sunshine filled the beautiful blue sky as I drove down North Territorial Road to Schoolcraft College from my home outside of Dexter. Except for a powerful dream about death the night before, life seemed to be as always. In my dream, family and dear old friends from childhood and well-meaning acquaintances came to give us comfort and help the family mourn. I observed all of this in my dream thinking, how sad that it takes a death to bring all of these beautiful people together in such a powerfully significant way, one in which all pretenses are put aside and true caring, a relating of the souls, was transpiring. I awoke thinking about how glorious life would be if we could relate to each other in such an honest and meaningful way, minus the games, the bullshit, the mundane, and the selfishness. If only we could remove the protective façade and relate from a soulful level all the time, wouldn't life be a heaven on earth? I didn't dismiss the dream because it was so real, so poignant, so divine in its message of love and harmony. I thought that it was me who had died in the dream. People came from all over to offer love and support to the family. The feeling in the air was one in which love and truth came together in an act of charity and every heart was filled with goodness and compassion. Little did I know that it was a premonition, a glimpse into what was about to transpire. I arrived at work around 8:00AM and shifted into my work mode. I started preparing in my mind for what I needed to focus on for our upcoming staff meeting since I was leading it. As the director of counseling and student advisement, I had several agenda items to cover with the counselors and staff. During the meeting, Gail from the Registrar's Office came bursting through the door in an excited manner and said turn on the TV, a plane crashed into the World Trade Center. While the news commentator speculated on how this could happen, I remember thinking, this is a suicide/murder mission. Just then, the Boeing 767, United Flight # 175 came into view on the TV heading toward the South Tower. A part of me refused to think of the possibility that Alicia could be on that plane that I witnessed crashing into that Tower. After all, I reasoned, there are a couple of thousand planes flying each day. What are the odds? I remember very distinctly feeling a deep sadness for all of those poor souls whose lives would be taken and for their families. My God! What has our world come to? I watched the news for awhile and retreated to my office. My sister, Jodi, a flight attendant for US Airways, called and was very upset. She was Alicia's favorite Aunt Jodi (her only Aunt Jodi also, but they were very close). Alicia was a very intelligent, caring, giving, joyful and peace-loving soul who decided to become a flight attendant in between her careers in corporate marketing and her new chosen direction, teaching. Her plan was to work for an airlines, travel at her leisure, and go back for her masters and PhD in journalism. She longed to work with young folks and utilize her excellent people skills along with her love of learning. "John", my baby sister said in a very guarded and caring voice, "do you know where Alicia was flying to today?" No, I replied, but I'm sure she's all right, Jodi, I found myself saying for me as much as to her. I felt a deep sense of helplessness and panic as the possibility made its way into my mind. Jodi went on to say that she thought Alicia was flying out of Boston and that there were two United planes missing. She hung up with, "I love you and I'll try to call her roommate to see if she knows". I found myself sinking into a deep abyss, one in which my greatest fears in the whole world were being bombarded, the forbidden and guarded fear that something bad would happen to one of my beloved children. I couldn't bear the thought. It was every parent's nightmare! Alicia was my firstborn. She came into my life at a time when I needed divine intervention, I needed unconditional love to give and receive, I needed a prevailing wisdom to guide my life that was too carefree, too self-focused, and off of my true "path with heart". My wife, Bev, and now Alicia, dear sweet Alicia, gave me meaning, gave me purpose, gave me hope, and fulfilled my longing for love. She was a godsend and I loved every second of being a father, her father. Those endless hours of playing and hiking out doors, dancing for hours, learning and growing together, living life to the fullest, loving, hoping and dreaming of what was to be…all shattered. Jodi called again trying hold back the tears and be strong for me, but I could feel the depth of her pain and the growing fear as she relayed to me that Alicia did indeed fly out of Boston and was headed to Los Angeles. At that point the planes were just being identified, but we didn't know her flight number. She suggested I call United directly but they were not ready to release any definitive information at that time. I was dying inside. The reality of what was happening had the impact on my heart that Alicia's plane had on the South tower. I could feel my whole being exploding into a pile of rubble. I desperately prayed to God that she would be spared. I let my staff know what was going on and returned to my office to receive a phone call from my wife Bev. She had awoken in a start at 8:41 AM, the time that Alicia's plane lost communication with the control tower, the time that the plane was commandeered by terrorists. Initially she told me that she heard Alicia's voice in her dream, calling "Mom". Bev and Alicia were best friends. Their relationship was so very special. Bev called and told me that she had talked with Greg, Alicia's fiancé, and had talked with our other daughter and had called our son, Zac in Montana, and left a message on the answering machine. It was his 23rd birthday. Greg had told her that Alicia's flight, according to her roommate, was over Indiana. We breathed a sigh of relief but we were only grasping for any ray of hope. Bev said she would come over to my work so we could be together. When she arrived around 10:45, we decided to go home after several more attempts to contact United Airlines. Zac had called me prior to her arrival and we shared what we had heard. So, we headed home shortly before noon, not knowing for sure if Alicia was dead or alive. Our souls knew the horrible truth but our minds refused to give up hope. When we arrived home about 12:45, the phone was ringing. I answered it and it was Zac. He was crying and through the sobs said that United Airlines had called him and confirmed that Alicia was on the plane that crashed into the South Tower. My body jerked in spasms of pain and I felt like I would surely be consumed by the relentless waves of grief and pain. But reality kicked in, I had to go get my son, Elijah, from Dexter High School. We had to get our family back together. We could not go through this apart. The coming days were a blur. Everything seemed so surreal. Nightmares haunted our fitful sleep. We hoped that at any minute we would awaken from this horrific dream. Family and friends came from everywhere just as I had envisioned. But the journey of grief had only just begun, a journey that will last a lifetime and beyond to heal. A part of me died on that day along with my dear sweet Alicia. My life was shattered and will never, ever be as it was before. So, how does one come to a place of peace out of such a life-shattering, horrific tragedy such as this? From whence comes the light that would shine on the path of darkness and the love to guide us through the mire of confusion, this pit of despair, this lonely place of pain and sadness? How could forgiveness ever be possible? Grief is such an all encompassing and personal process. Although there are similarities in the actual process of grief, many factors come into play as it unfolds. Initially, shock and disbelief help protect you from the searing pain, a pain that has the power to destroy, a pain that reduces your life-force energy, destroys joy, laughter, innocence, trust and causes one to question everything that was heretofore sacred. Sadness and pain of this magnitude can send a person into a downward spiral of depression and desolation. Into a deep abyss whose walls seem impossible to scale. Many times you find yourself on the precipice and feel the powerful pull of the dark abyss that longs to consume. Yet, even in the midst of all of this, even in my deepest moment of despair, I could feel the presence of goodness and truth, I could feel the love that so many people were sending us, I could feel the power of God, and a glimmer of hope did flicker like a candle in the wind. I was not alone! And through it all, I was absolutely certain that I would not want to be responsible for another father's grief of losing an innocent child to the political machinery of war and destruction. Compassion had found its way into my heart and I could feel a new hope coming out of the rubble; a new hope that goodness and truth would overcome hate and deception. A new hope that would arise because of what had happened! I could feel it all around. I had been given a precious gift and I could see beyond the hateful act of angry terrorists, beyond the need for revenge, beyond the fear and anger that seemed so prevalent, beyond my own pain of the worst loss imaginable. I had somehow been given a glimpse into the Divine and I could feel it in my soul. My purpose in life had now shone forth and made itself manifest. Alicia had passed me the torch of truth and love would give me strength to travel the road less traveled. Alicia lived in peace with all of God's creation. She longed for a world in which we could all just get along. She openly embraced diversity and saw the world as a rich tapestry of people of differing shapes and colors all woven into one big beautiful creation. She never stood in judgment of others but looked beyond the appearance into the very soul of the other and touched their heart. She could see the presence of the Divine in others. Many people told us that she would light up a room with her mere presence and stated that her smile was one by which to measure all other smiles against. Her joy was effervescent. Her smile contagious. Her sense of peace was pervasive. Her friends, family members and acquaintances all described her as a wizened soul, an old soul. I am not a pacifist. Although, I have sought to understand the principles of non-violence and have tremendous respect for those heroes who have used these means to overcome oppression and war, I have a hard time letting others run over me and have, in the past, struck back rather than turn the other cheek. As I grow in understanding and love, I've since learned that there are very effective nonviolent solutions to conflict and fully support that approach. I believe that the perpetrators of this heinous act of murder that killed my Alicia and 3000 others should be made accountable and brought to justice. But, I am totally opposed to the killing of more innocent children and families to achieve this. We must find a better way of resolving conflict and stop the senseless killing! Throughout my grieving process, it has become abundantly clear that the cycle of violence must stop. That hate only produces more hate and violence begets more violence. In this day and age of advanced technology, we have the capability to destroy each other and to decimate our planet. But do we have the strength, the will and the spiritual understanding to overcome violence? If we believe that we are a part of God's creation, is it not possible to grow in love and in wisdom to a place that seeks out nonviolent means for overcoming our ideological differences? As the late and great Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. stated, "only love can overcome hate". And, from my experience as a grieving father of a beautiful, loving, peaceful, gentle soul whose life was taken by forces of hate and violence, love guided by wisdom is the only solution. Our primitive ancestors reacted out of fear and ignorance. Killing other tribes because they posed a threat to their well-being was commonplace. Have we not grown beyond that mentality? Have we not evolved spiritually from where they were? God help us all if we haven't! During the 20th century, 180 million people died as a result of war. Seventy percent of these people were civilian casualties. This breaks my heart! Have we learned nothing from our past only how to make greater weapons of mass destruction? Have we no compassion as a nation of people, the greatest nation on earth? What kind of precedent are we setting by waging a pre-emptive unilateral strike of a country clearly inferior to us in military might who posed very little threat to the United States? We used shifting justifications and a severe lack of evidence to justify our actions. Evidence that would not even stand up in a court of law! We scorned the United Nations and threw dirt in the faces of our former allies because we had something to prove. And what have we done to stop terrorism? We have only solidified the efforts of the Jihad and recruited more terrorists. God help us all! I am very disheartened by the Bush administration for turning their backs and doing nothing prior to September 11th to prevent these acts of terrorism, when in fact the evidence was very conclusive and did include "specificity" about how, when, where, what and why. A cab driver in New York City foretold of the event one week prior to September 11; large volumes of stocks of companies that would be effected by the bombings were sold the week prior to September 11; companies with middle east connections moved out of the World Trade Centers the prior week; the FBI knew of terrorists training to become commercial airline pilots in Phoenix, Arizona and Minneapolis, Minnesota; CIA and others had very specific information about the hijackers and their movements from an al Qaida training camp in Malaysia and back to the United States; the congressional committee on terrorism issued a statement to vice president Cheney in late August of 2001 about the imminent hijackings and attacks…the list goes on. The Bush administration, for whatever reasons, chose to ignore the obvious. And, the rush to war was on! Thousands of innocent children, entire families and villages were destroyed in a country that was already devastated and ravaged by a gang of terrorists called the Taliban and al Qaida, whom we had trained and given weapons to when it served our needs against the Russians in the late 70's and early 80's. I could feel the pain of the Afghani people as they mourned their losses, innocent civilians, after our attacks. The biggest difference between them and me is that I had lots of support, love, family and friends to help me through the horrible grief. They had nothing. And, help would not be forthcoming for many days and weeks or maybe never. They were left to survive in the midst of the death and destruction with no food, water, shelter, medical care or caring people to help. Their cries for help to our government went unheard. And, the world witnessed it all. Our conciliatory efforts for aid were for political purposes, not out of compassion. Compassion is a gift that comes out of tragedy. Yet, not all people are ready to receive it. Anger, a natural response to the pain of loss, often consumes people and drives them obsessively. In my grief, well-meaning people would tell me that I needed to get angry. But all I could feel was sadness and pain. I couldn't see how anger would help me heal and revenge seemed so pointless. It would not bring Alicia back and it would not make me feel better. I had searched my heart and looked to God to find forgiveness. I realized that forgiveness was not about condoning the actions of another, it was about me letting go of a cancerous growth that would soon destroy me if I let it run its course. Forgiveness was the miracle that allowed me to feel peace in my heart and compassion for my Afghani brothers and sisters who were suffering as a result of our misguided war that killed a loved one. After the bombing in Afghanistan, after the killing of thousands of innocent people, I felt more pain and disappointment. What had we accomplished? What had we gained? We destroyed a country that was already devastated, we killed a lot of people, and we sent the al Qaida and Taliban on the run, but Osama bin Laden lives on. Rather than focusing our energies on rebuilding Afghanistan and networking with the rest of the world to guard against terrorism, we sought more destruction, more killing in Iraq while alienating those countries who had been empathetic to our cause. Hate produces more hate and violence begets violence! We couldn't have done more to recruit radical Muslims for suicide missions for the Jihad. To add insult to injury, our government, the Bush administration, deceived the American people and the world to justify an unjust war that had no connection with the events of September 11th. I pray for peace. I pray for George Bush and his advisors. I pray for the leaders of the world. And, I pray for my enemies. I alone cannot change how they view the world or what motivates them to do the things they do. But if every person in the world who believes in a Higher Power, the one God who stands for goodness and mercy, the one God whose love is the very essence of life itself, we could find a way toward peace. We could stop the bloodshed! And, perhaps my remaining children, my grandchildren and your children could live on an "earth as it is in heaven" without the threat of being murdered, without hate and mistrust, without fear and avarice. Is this such a bad thing to long for? Is this unpatriotic? Or is this what God wishes for us all? I will not allow the death of Alicia and the 3000 other victims of September 11th, nor the innocent victim's of Afghanistan or Iraq die in vain! I will not settle for a world in which distrust and fear create a widening chasm between my brothers and sisters, who happen to look, believe and think differently than me. I am my brother's keeper! And, "my brother" includes all of mankind: Iraqis, Afghanis, Syrians, North Koreans, Iranians as well as Americans. We are all interconnected through God. We are all part of the "Great Mystery" as our Lakota brothers call God. Until we accept that reality, we will always find reasons to justify any act of outrage including murder. Let us break down the barriers that serve to divide us, put forth efforts to understand and accept those people different from us, and join together in a state of peace that sees no need for weapons of mass destruction but a need for tools of mass construction. Let us learn from the tragedy of September 11 and the resultant tragedies that continue on today before we destroy all that is good and each other. Let us go in peace. Delivered
May 17th on the campus of Kalamazoo College, sponsored by the John
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