Alicia's Early Years

When I look back in my life and how it has been impacted by Alicia and my other beloved children, tears of joy fill my eyes and the feeling of deep paternal love emanates from my whole being. Alicia was conceived on September 11, 1972 and born on June 11, 1973. Her conception was a complete surprise to her mother and me, and it served as a world-altering experience that would forever change our lives. From the moment of her conception we had to think beyond our self-imposed limitations, let go of our self-serving desires, and learn how to be responsible, loving parents. Alicia's presence from the onset brought us great joy and immense happiness, but not without struggle. She saved us from ourselves, the ego that would have eventually destroyed us had we not made the necessary changes. At a profoundly deep soulful level, her coming into our lives when she did was truly a godsend and regenerative. Although, circumstantially it seemed very untimely. Bev was in high school and I was in my second year of college with no sense of direction.

June 11, 1973, at 8:20 AM, the angels blessed us with a bundle of love who was totally dependent upon us to provide and care for all of her needs. This would soon change as her strong independent nature manifested early on. Alicia was always such a sweetheart (except maybe a couple of years during adolescence). We were in awe! Love came from the very Source of all love and manifested through us. I distinctly remember holding her on my bare chest and feeling her melt into my soul. Her essence and mine became as one and the interconnectivity to all of life was realized through this bond. I loved her with every part of my being, and from the beginning I felt that our souls were conjoined. I was a father and nothing in this lifetime has felt more right and so deeply fulfilling. God truly blessed me with new life, renewed hope, abundant joy and soulful love. Now it was up to me to grow in my understanding of truth and nurture my love so that I could give my little girl the love and guidance she deserved.

Alicia's care had been entrusted to Bev and me. God had blessed us with an angel-in-training and we had to rise to the occasion. Were we up to that monumental task? God thought so. Were we ready? It didn't seem so to us. Did we make mistakes? Absolutely! Alicia provided us with a reason to get our lives together. Although it's an ongoing and continuous process, we started chipping away at the self-serving, ego-driven selves, and through love that can only come from God and a continuous search for truth, we were able to give her unconditional love and a foundation to build upon. This was truly God's grace.

Alicia was always a beautiful little lady. Please don't misconstrue that term to think that she was submissive or fragile. From the moment of her birth, she was headstrong, stalwart, decisive, bold, courageous and assertive. This complemented her joyous, engaging, compassionate, peaceful, creative and loving nature that shone forth like a brilliant light. God was surely within this beautiful young lady. Alicia's purpose in life seemed crystal clear: to share love, to uncover truth (which is her namesake), to spread joy, and to make this ever-changing world more beautiful through manifest love, peaceful co-existence and grace. She did this to the very end.

Emanuel Swedenborg writes about the nature of femininity and masculinity in Marriage Love. His assertion is that the, nature or innate disposition of the male inclines to the formation of understanding, consequently that he is born to be intellectual. But as this cannot be effected except from love, therefore the Lord adjoins love to him according to reception, that is, according to the spirit he wills to acquire wisdom… He thus describes the female's innate disposition as love that needs wisdom to complete it, which is volitional. The affection of the female is for loving knowledge, intelligence and wisdom to conjoin with the love.* Swedenborg, Emanuel, Marriage Love, 90, 91.

Alicia is a shining example of this understanding. Her very nature was love and her affection was for truth and wisdom. Divine love and Divine wisdom cannot be separated, for if they are they lose what God has intended and become tools for self-serving purpose. Many people have commented to me about how insightful, wise, caring and giving she was, and that she was able to connect with others so gracefully and intimately.

Alicia was always filled with love for everything and everyone around her, and she was always a seeker of truth. An avid reader, she loved scholarly pursuit and intellectual meandering. Life was a glorious mystery to be solved, and her purpose for learning and growing was always aimed toward making the world more loving and understanding. She emanated love and goodness like a sweet and beautiful flower and gave freely of her essence to all that could perceive.

As I nostalgically look back to the days after Alicia's birth, I distinctly remember the feelings of love that flowed so freely from this beautiful baby. This deep and resonant feeling completely confirmed my faith in a loving God removing any doubt that may have existed. She was so perfect, so divine, so love-filled and so angelic. She was a shining example of Divine love and wisdom put to form. Now I had to rise to the occasion. The challenges of parenting are perhaps the greatest challenges of all. Some do accept the challenge while others can't seem to move beyond their own self-serving needs. Alicia taught us how to be parents and with her it was a joyful task.

As long as I can remember, I've always had a strong nurturing side that didn't seem to fit with the expectations society has for males, so I learned the fine art of "toughing it out". Where I grew up, sensitive, nurturing, gentle males were seen as less manly than the tough, hard, unemotional man was. Men, myself included, learned to suppress those emotions that interfere with the hard work of daily living. Early in their upbringing boys are taught to stifle tears. Anger was an accepted emotion for men. It seemed more manly to hit something as opposed to crying. Consequently, when feelings of pain, loneliness, grief, disappointment, failure or fear were present anger was the norm for venting. But as a youth growing up in a farm community and having five younger siblings, I learned that I had a tender and gentle side that I liked. I loved nurturing little orphan lambs, or raising gentle natured rabbits, and all the other animals that were dependent upon me for sustenance. I also learned about unconditional love from my pets. My dogs were often my best friends since we lived out in the country. Animals don't judge people by their color, creed or ideologies. They just accept you for who you are. We humans could learn from them.

I also enjoyed holding and caring for my baby brothers and sisters. Even though these qualities were very dominant early on, they seemed to fade as I learned the fine art of manhood, that is until Alicia came along. Now, once again, I could manifest these innate and loving feelings freely. I truly loved it! I would spend hours holding, rocking, feeding and caring for dear sweet Alicia, as did her mother. Although, I was working fulltime and going to college fulltime, I still was able to give every available moment (at the expense of sleep and study time occasionally) to fathering, such as between classes, early in the morning, after work, on weekends or when Bev worked. Eventually this took its toll and I had to put my college on hold for a couple of years.

I have always loved music. I feel that this is indeed the universal language that soothes the soul. When Alicia was a baby I would play music and dance with her in my arms for hours. She loved it and would dance whenever music came on. Thus, we nicknamed her "Boogie". She retained this love of dancing throughout her life. She loved to go dancing with her friends and would dance all night, or around the house when she was home. To her, dancing was an expression of joy and freeing to the soul. Not surprisingly, at the memorial service in Boston held for Alicia and the other crewmembers aboard United Flight 175 and American Flight 11, during the Boston Symphonies String Quartet's performance, I closed my eyes and let the music take me away. Alicia appeared to me in a long flowing white gown, more beautiful than ever, smiling that joyous smile of hers only more angelic than ever, and we danced our last dance, a waltz. It was in a huge ballroom with a veranda that looked out over a beautiful, luscious valley silhouetted by mountains in the horizon. We danced all around the floor and I savored every sweet moment. She laughed and moved about so gracefully. Then as the music ended, she drifted away into the ether and vanished from sight. What a joyous feeling she left me with. Her way of saying goodbye. God I will miss her!